It's amazing how life can change in a moments time. Writing this, exactly 2 weeks after Nolan's birth, I still can't believe that I'm a mom and that my son is HERE to stay-for as long as God will have him here on earth. Thank you Lord, for this precious miracle and gift from you.
I went to the hospital on Tuesday, October 5th to be induced. I started off with an IV of saline. The first hour was rather humorous as I went to the bathroom SEVEN times in 1 hour. I asked the nurse to show us how to unplug from the monitors so we wouldn't have to buzz her every 10 minutes. About 2 hours in, I received cytotek, which was supposed to help me dial ate. Only problem was, once I was given the cytotek I could not get up for a hour-so I used a bedpan in bed, for an hour-I drank too much water before going to the hospital, because they told me to come hydrated.
The night progressed with more movement, changing positions, sitting on an exercise ball, etc. As the night went on, my contractions got stronger and stronger but I wasn't dialating. By 4:00 a.m. I decided to get the epidural and I tried to sleep. By the time the sun came up my contractions were strong enough to give birth, but I never dialated past 3 1/2 centimeters. My doctor came and checked on my twice and when she came in the second time, I looked at her and said, "Oh no, Dr. Graham. My son isn't winning this battle. I will give birth vaginally." Well, those of you who know how I feel about my doctor won't be surprised at what she did next. See, I have complete trust in my doctor. When she is around, I know everything will be fine. What she did next is the only thing I clearly remember from the entire labor process.
When she came in to deliver the news about having a c-section, she knew I was going to be upset. Back in February, when she became my new doctor by default, I was very hesitant to switching to her, as she knew very little about my past history with infertility. After my first pre-natal appointment with Dr. Graham, I came to have complete faith and trust in her. So, I wrote her a quick letter tell her so. Since I had written that letter back in February, she has had it hanging on her refrigerator. She leaned down on my bed, grabbed my hands and head and told me this was the best thing for the baby and me. She then took out her phone and said, "I'm going to show you a picture, and I want you to pay attention to what it is. I was going to show you after you had Nolan, but I am going to show you now." I looked at it and it was a picture of the letter I had written her, hanging on her refrigerator. She told me, "I have had that letter there since you gave it to me. It is a constant reminder why I do what I do." Of course I started sobbing even more, but it was exactly what I needed from her at that moment. She held me and embraced me until I knew it was going to be ok. I cried some more and then asked her to get everyone out of the room.
Phil, Jenny, and I prayed together and then a total sense of peace came upon us. I was ready. I had gotten over my hopes of a natural birth, and was ready to meet Nolan via c-section. I was wheeled off into the operating room and was attacked by what seemed like a flock of birds. There were 10 people doing 10 different things on me at once. One even commented that it may have seemed like chaos, but that they were all working together to get him out quickly. They prepped me, and then sent Phil in. From the time Phil stepped into the O.R. to the time Nolan was out was an amazing 4 minutes. To distract me and in my state of delirium, I started talking about college football with the doctors. I also started talking about everything I wanted to eat and drink-from mango margaritas to cheeseburgers. They were all laughing. Then, the most amazing thing happened. Nolan came out of me, full of life and ready to go. I DID give birth, maybe not how I imagined, but this is how I met my son, and for that I am thankful.
Nolan was born at 12:42 p.m. on October 6th. He weighed 8lb. 14 oz. (a big boy!), and was 21 3/4 inches long. How he fit in my tummy is beyond me. One of God's miracles. I immediately went into recovery for over an hour, breast fed immediately (with help of the most wonderful lactation consultant, Regina), and then went to my post-partum room-which I never left for over 48 hours. Those 48 hours are a bit of a blur. All I knew was that our son was here, safe and sound, and that everything was going to be ok. Mine and Phil's prayers had been answered. Ging and Pop (my mom and dad) came down for Nolan's birth, along with my wonderful friend, Jenny (who has taken all the wonderful pictures of Nolan's birth). It was great to have them here to share in this joy. We had lots of visitors come by, the nurses were phenomenal, the hospital food was excellent (yes, really it was), and the post-partum room, minus the hospital bed, felt like a hotel room.
Then reality hit. Phil and I were sent home. No more nurses button. No more help on demand. No more meals being delivered to us. No more middle of the night nurses watching Nolan while Phil and I slept for a couple of hours. Taking Nolan home was a very surreal experience. I remember walking in the door on Friday, October 8th, at about 1:00 p.m., and asking myself "now what?" Phil and I showed Nolan around the house, showed him his bassinet, and then fell asleep with him on the couch.
I said we had not more on demand help. But my mom has graciously been here for 3 weeks helping out with Nolan. And I said no more meals being delivered to us. Well, our friends from Sunday School have lavished us with homemade meals. I haven't cooked since we've been home, and we still have meals coming. And not having anyone watch Nolan? Well, for the first week we were home, Ging stayed up with Nolan from 9 p.m.-12:00 a.m. so that Phil and I could have 3 hours alone together. To say that Phil, Nolan, and I have been spoiled with love is an understatement. I have a new appreciation for my mom and this has been an amazing bonding experience for my mom and me. I'm going to be sad when she leaves. She has been a huge help and I have a new understanding and appreciation our relationship.
The first week Nolan was home I was scared-scared to hold him, scared I would do something to "hurt" him, scared he wouldn't be breathing in his bassinet, scared he wouldn't ever sleep in his bassinet, scared I was never going to get sleep again, scared breastfeeding wouldn't work, and scared I was going to meet his needs. Wow, what a difference 1 1/2 weeks can make. Nolan is feeding great, sleeping very well through the night (knock on wood this continues), Phil and I are getting uninterrupted sleep, and Phil, the baby whisperer, has gotten Nolan to love his bassinet. What a great learning experience this first couple of weeks has been. I'm so thankful to be able to take a couple of months off of work and just enjoy my son.
I love feeding him and holding him when I am done. I love watching him soothe himself in his swing or bouncer. I love when others hold him. I love how ALERT he is and how he will just stare at me. I love when he hears my voice he will find my face. I love watching daddy hold him. I know I love him because his shitty diapers don't even bother me. I love being able to talk to him and explain what we are doing. I love reading him books, and I love when the three of us crawl into bed together.
Phil is amazing with Nolan. He is very intuitive to his needs and is not afraid of a newborn. Phil is great about changing diapers, swaddling, and watching him so I can get out of the house. He doesn't even call me with questions when he is home alone with him. It is easy to tell that Phil was meant to be a husband and daddy. He is great at both of them.
I've cried a lot over the past 2 weeks due to fear, frustration, joy, and total awe of Nolan. People keep reminding me to enjoy every moment because it goes by way too fast. I'm so thankful when people remind me of that. It reminds me to sit and just watch, hold, and enjoy Nolan. To just "be" with him.
I am amazed and beyond thankful for this gift God has given us. I am also so thankful for all of the help, support, and love we have gotten from friends and family. We certainly could not have done this without everyone's support.
I'm praying motherhood will soften me and make me more patient. I should be careful what I pray for, but I really think it will.
Now we're a family of 3. I can't believe it. Two friends shared this verse with me when we were battling infertility, and whenever I look at Nolan I think about this verse:
1 Samuel 1:27-28 - I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him over to the Lord for his whole life.
Our prayer is that Nolan would know the unconditional love of his heavenly Father.
